


We All Fall Down

by sspidersinthebathtub



Category: No Fandom
Genre: ...Kinda, Character Death, Depression, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Girls in Love, Suicide, ghost friend to ghost lover, if i can get around to finishing it, kind of unreliable narrator?, maybe art included?, might all be a hallucination, might be an actual ghost, probably not gonna have a happy ending, seeing ghosts, well it depends what way you look at it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sspidersinthebathtub/pseuds/sspidersinthebathtub
Summary: Death is universal, it is an inevitable fate that most everybody forgets about. Nobody ever thinks that they're going to die until they're on the brink of the endless nothing
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

The bitter winters winds blew harshly against my skin and blew my hair into a mess with strands flying about, I walk past people wrapped up in warm coats and other protection from the harsh freeze. The sky had began to darken from a dull blue- hardly visible from the pale grey clouds littering the sky- to a lighter grey that was darkening more by the minute. Soon it would be dark despite it being early, the already small crowds had thinned to hardly any people.  
I reached a door, a pale violet door which had paint chipped off in too many places to count with a faded ‘13’ painted in what was meant to be black, the paint had chipped so much that the ‘1’ was hardly visible anymore.  
‘That really needs a repaint’ I thought to myself, fully knowing that it wouldn't get done but having the same thought I had every time I came to that door- my door. I fished a key out of my pocket and slotted it into the once bright lock, turning it until I heard a soft click. I gently pushed the weary door open after getting the key out of the lock with some difficulty, I closed the door behind me and fumbled at the wall for the switch, I found it and flicked on the dim lights,hardly illuminating the hallway but just enough that it wasn't dark. The switch had degraded from a pristine white to a more faded grey with some chips in the plastic, I ran my finger over one of the chips before turning to the door. I locked the door, checked that it was locked then unlocked and relocked the door a few times before I was sure that it was locked. I dropped my burden of a bag on the floor and removed my shoes, placing them neatly in line with the others- giving a small scowl at the uncleanliness of shoes that weren't mine as I usually did, again knowing that they wouldn't be cleaned. I walked through my empty hallways with a lack of motivation, the world around me seemed so grey and lifeless- perhaps a direct reflection of myself. I trudged into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror, I looked at the dark bags under my eyes  
‘I should sleep more’ I thought to myself, knowing that I wouldn't but hoping that the mere thought would help in some way. I stared into my own eyes, not seeing a brokenness but a lack of emotion- as if I was dead.  
‘As if I was dead..’ I pondered this thought for a moment before turning from the mirror and leaving the bathroom- not really knowing why I had even gone there in the first place. I went to the kitchen, the tiles cold even through my socks, and picked out a drink and a small thing to eat, I think of the effort it would take to eat this- knowing it wasn't much but feeling as if I didn't have enough motivation to do even the simplest tasks. I slowly walked to my bedroom with slow steps, I sat on my bed and thought back to what happened today  
‘I made her worry about me, that was selfish of me’ I think and take a small bite of the apple I grabbed whilst in the kitchen, I didn't taste much of the flavour and it tasted bland- maybe that was just my monochrome look on life. I couldn't even find the effort to turn on what was my favourite show, it had lost its appeal- everything had. I couldn't find a reason to stay awake, I lay down on my bed and slowly lost my consciousness to the dark pit of my mind.

I awoke when the pale light of winter creeped through my curtains and pierced through my sleep, I somehow felt more exhausted than last night. I glanced at my clock ‘8:35’, I knew school started in fifteen minutes but I didn't see the point in going, I knew I would be late and I couldn't find a reason to get up either. Nobody would be home for a few days so there wasn't anybody to force me but myself, it wasn't that I didn't want to go it was that I couldn't find the motivation to go, couldn't find a reason  
‘Why bother’ I thought to myself and lay my head back down, closing my eyes again but sleep not coming to my troubled mind that was somehow filled with worry and empty at the same time. I opened my eyes and stared at my ceiling with no motivation to do anything, not even move. I knew I had to move as I had to eat and couldn't just lie here all day, but no matter how much I mentally yelled at myself to move my muscles didn't comply and I lay limp. I suppose it was scary in a way, not being able to move no matter how much I wanted to, but I guess I'm used to it by now. I don't know how long I lay down for but it felt like decades, just lying there with nothing to distract me from my own harsh thoughts. After what felt like decades I finally moved, I moved very slowly but I moved and wasn't just a useless pile of self hatred. I looked at the clock again  
‘9:43’ I thought to myself, I lay there for over an hour  
‘That really is pathetic’ I thought somewhat harshly, moving slowly feeling as if exhaustion had squeezed its way into my very soul- if I even had one. I felt tiredness in every cell of my body, it felt like a weight attached to my ankles which only got heavier with every step I took. I felt so empty as if I wasn't human, I felt so empty yet so emotional that it physically hurt- like somebody had placed a weight on my heart and it was slowly crushing me. It was difficult to put into words what I felt at that moment- or at any moment. I dreaded having  
to go back in two days time and have to force my lips to smile and put a fake light in my eyes. I knew my family would be back before then so wouldn’t be able to do as I had today and skip.  
‘Maybe I don’t have to go back’ I embraced the idea instead of harshly shoving it under the rug of my mind like I usually did, it sounded so much more appealing than this pitiful existence I was barely living- I had made up my mind. I opened a draw in the kitchen and grabbed a pen and a single sheet of paper.


	2. Chapter 2

Frozen wind blew against me and heavy hail fell down, stinging my exposed face and catching itself in my windswept and tangled hair- melting quickly and wetting my hair. Many were like me, running down frozen streets in a desperate attempt to get where they needed to be faster. My mind was shrouded in worry about her, something had seemed off about her yesterday- her smile a little too big with a hidden brokenness behind it. Perhaps it was just an act and she was just faking it but for how long? I couldn’t answer that and I doubt she would give me the answer. There wasn’t any obvious signs that something was wrong but I knew, I don’t know how but I just knew that something was off. My mind was clouded with worry as I walked, not paying attention to where I was going I bumped into somebody and stumbled backwards a step or two, I muttered a quick ‘sorry’ to the person before continuing. I didn’t really know how long it took me to get the the large building with students entering with downcast expressions but it must not have been very long as there were hardly any people there, I looked at my watch to see that I was a whole twenty minutes early. It was a Friday but students still looked like they would rather be in hell after five days of this crap. I walked down the scarcely inhabited corridor to my registration room, there wasn't long until the morning bell would ring and the hours of lessons would once again have to be endured. There were a few people that had already arrived- but generally people hung around in the hallways or outside before the day started, there was one person on their phone, two studying (probably last minute for some sort of exam) and another two reading what seemed to be manga from my brief look at the cover- but she wasn't there. This may have been normal for anybody else ‘oh maybe they're late or are outside’ no, she was never late. She always arrived twenty minutes before the day started and was already in the classroom, so the next others would think is probably ‘maybe she's sick’, no. Her parents never let her off of school for being ill unless she was seriously ill, they tried to keep her in school every day she could possibly go- as she had shown no signs of being seriously ill yesterday then there's no way she'd be let off today. My worries grew as I thought back to yesterday, she seemed very closed off and shakey or jumpy. She usually stayed quiet but not when around me, she usually talked openly to me, but yesterday she was almost silent the whole day and then she rushed off as soon as school finished, even though I offered a drive home to shelter her from the harsh winter weather but she had declined, I saw her mutter something but couldn't make out what she said so I didn't push it any further. I was ripped from my thoughts by that dreaded bell, students flooded into the classroom- most with the same ‘I would rather be in hell than be here’ expression which clearly showed how much they cared (none). Our register teacher entered to at least twenty people chatting, he didn't even try quieting them- knowing that the outcome would be brief quiet for about five seconds then even louder chatter or him being entirely ignored. Instead of calling people's names out to see if they answered ‘here’ (which would have been impossible over the noise) he looked around the class and marked them here or absent based on if he could see them. I looked around, but she still wasn't here. It was so unlike her, something felt off- I couldn't have explained it, something just felt so unnatural, so wrong. A pit in my stomach appeared, the feeling that something terrible had happened washed over me. I couldn't stop the worry, it clouded my mind and killed any rational thought like a deadly mist spreading through my whole body. I could feel the worry crawling around inside my mind, what had happened to her? What if she was hurt? The what if’s continued, I couldn't focus on the class that was happening around me, I could only focus on the worry, only focus on the bad, what could have happened. The worry clogged up my mind and body so much I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. Somebody gently shook my arm, concern spread across their face   
“You okay?” They asked, I nodded in response even though I'm pretty sure it was very clear that I was not ‘okay’  
“I'm going to the bathroom” I half muttered, they nodded as I left.   
What if she's hurt and I can't get to her? I felt so trapped in the slim hallways, as if they were closing on me with every frantic breath I took. I could see the school exit from here, I could just….  
So I did. I ran for it. I had left my bag in there but I didn't care. I didn't stop running once I got out, I ran the route to her house. Walking it would take about twenty five minutes but running I did it in about fifteen minutes. Her house sounded so quiet, so deserted - so dead.  
A feeling of dread crept over me again as I walked the broken and worn stone path to the entrance of her house, her battered door with peeling paint was no longer welcoming. I lifted up a rock by the side of her house and grabbed the spare key that was kept there, I unlocked the door and pushed it open slowly, I could feel my heart beat faster as the door fully opened   
“Ashley?” I said barely above a whisper.  
The keys dropped to the floor in a soft clink of metal against wood.  
\-----  
I clicked my pen twice, staring at the single sheet of paper in front of me. What should I write? It was some sort or tradition to leave a note but my mind was blank other than that one thought. That one thought that would soon be my last action. I stared at the two words I had written on the page, ink dried   
‘Dear Hannah,’ was all that I had written so far, I wanted to apologise in this. Apologise for lying, for doing this and not telling her- I knew she’d probably beat herself up about not being able to help for years after this but I pushed that thought aside. I wrote a few more words, ‘I hoped I would never have to write a letter like this to you’, I put. My hands were shaking so my handwriting was poorer than usual. I didn’t know the time but there really wasn’t any hurry.  
‘This is my note. My final words in to you in written form, written for you and only you’ I wrote next.  
‘There is no outstanding reason for this- I haven’t been bullied or abused in any way, I’m just like this and I can’t get away from myself’ I paused for a moment before continuing,  
‘and I hope you understand that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening- you’re my best friend and I hope you cherish me as i did you. This isn’t your fault, no matter how much you think it is it’s not. My reason is myself, not you or anybody else or anything else in my life- just me. I know I’m selfish and I know this will probably hurt you and my family but I’m beyond the point of caring. I’m writing this knowing full well what I’m going to do and the consequence that it will have but the outcome is worth it for me. That must seem sick to you and everyone else, right? I’m sure after a week or two at school people will begin to murmur that there was nothing wrong with my life so I had no reason- tell them they’re right for me, please just tell them “she told me to tell anyone who said that that she agrees, told me to tell anyone who said what you just did that there was nothing wrong but her own head”, can you do that for me please?’ I paused again, flexing my hand a little and thinking about what to write next- I could write a book and still not be done explaining.  
‘Another request. Please get over my passing, you’ll find someone better who doesn’t drag you down like I do- I wouldn’t want to drag you down even if death, would I? That’s what this is about as I’m sure you’ll know if you find this note, my death or passing- call it whatever you will this is my choice and I am sure in my choice. I made up my mind months ago just never had the courage to do it until now. Hannah you truly were the best friends I could have asked for, you were more like a sister than a friend and I apologise for lying about my happiness for so long. I hope your life from now on goes well. Know that even though I may not be there physically I will hopefully have a place somewhere in your heart so I’m not completely forgotten. Guess I’m ruining our plan of making it big in the big city right? If you ever visit I hope you have a good time. My time is running out. In my last dying moments I shall think of you as I drift into the sweet bliss of nothingness, so you are my last sweet memory of this world. Goodbye Hannah, I love you. Xox Ashley’, I signed my note. It wasn’t very long or good so I ripped a few more pieces of paper off the pad and scribbled little notes on them- to give her something to remember me by if she wished. I folded the letter and placed it in an envelope labelled ‘Hannah x’, I put the other smaller bits of paper inside as well. I licked the seal and closed it. Placing it on a desk next to me. I continued my plan, my tools laid in front of me. I was surprisingly calm for what I was about to do, mind blank and strangely peaceful.


	3. Chapter 3

Shaking hands clutch at the note- my hands, those are my hands right? I can’t focus on anything other than the growing shaking and that piece of paper, I can’t look up. I can’t just turn around and walk away from this.  
Although I just read the letter five times, not s single word has sunk in because this just can’t be real, this is a really fucked up dream or even more fucked up prank. She’s not really gone she’s on vacation with her family and having fun, she’s drinking ice water on the beach and she’s going to text me later and I’ll smile at the text like I always do and we’ll talk for hours.  
My eyes are screwed so tight it begins to hurt, the tighter they close the more real that beach fantasy seems.  
The harder I shut my eyes the more I can imagine that she’s just sick, she’s just out of town, she’s just in her bed, she’s just breathing and alive- the tighter I shut my eyes the closer a reality where we’re just sitting at a run down dinner and laughing, my throat feels weird and in that moment I almost call your name and say three little words that would change everything but I close my mouth again and think ‘I have all the time in the world’

I don’t know how long I sat on her worn down wooden floor just staring at my hands and re reading the last bit of her I’ll ever have her note. At some point the wind slams the door closed, at some point I dry out, at some point my phone rings a couple times and it grows darker outside before I finally look up and see the world, and it all crashes.  
Because oh my god this is real, I’m never going to see her laugh or smile again or get marshmallow stuck in her teeth or see her stick her tongue out s little when she’s really concentrating on school life. I miss her like I’m missing a limb, I know she’s in her bedroom, there’s blood soaking into the floor, somewhere in my mind I think of how the floor will soak it up. I feel sick at the thought and suddenly the air is thick and dry and tastes like metal and I just need to get out to the air so cold it burns my lungs.   
After a moment of gathering myself as much as I could I stood up slowly, grasping onto a small table next to me to help myself up, my legs feel both numb and hyperactive and they certainly aren’t very stable to stand on but I can’t stay in here for another goddamned second, I can’t be so close to her-

I pick myself up on shaking legs and walk out of her the house, my mind is completely blank and simultaneously crammed full with every thought conceivable, I can feel a massive headache coming on.  
Somewhere in the back of my mind it reminds me I just skipped a whole day of school and my parents are going to be furious, but that doesn’t seem all too important now.  
I cross the road on much more muscle memory than actual thought, it’s a wonder I didn’t get hit I almost wish I had. I don’t know where I’m going, I can’t face all the questions when I get home, I’ll have to tell someone and it’ll make it real. They’ll take her body and bury it, there’ll be a funeral and I’ll have to leave her burried in the mud and ‘move on’. I can’t decide which is the lesser of two evils, to let her parents find her as I had or to get the news through a stranger.   
I just keep walking and turning, it gets so dark I can barely see ten feet in front of me and there’s almost nobody walking around, all I can hear is my own footsteps and even they seem deafening in the quiet world.  
I sit at a bench that’s frosted over a little and hold my phone carefully as if it’s going to explode, whilst in my pocket my hand brushes that precious note and I shove any oncoming thoughts out as I shakily dial the number, after a couple rings and an automated voice message I press 1 and get through to an actual person   
“Hello 911 what’s your emergency”, I almost hang up as my 5hrost instantly clogs itself, I force words through it   
“I-I need to report a-a… s-suicide”, saying it out loud makes it that much more real. My voice hurts from underuse and I’m already exhausted by talking about it   
As the woman on the other side of the phone asks more questions I answer, address and name are all given and it’s only a few moments before I hang up and the world is silent again.  
I rise from the bench and begin the walk home, it’s getting late and if I can make it through the night maybe things will go back to normal. It’s colder than before and even darker.   
As I pass her the house I see a police car outside, I swallow whatever was creeping up my throat and keep walking. 

The rhythm keeps me real, the constant that doesn’t let me sink into an abyss of thoughts and worries, it’s the movement that keeps my throat from closing and panic from drowning me as it had this morning. Focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other and hearing the crunch of frost every so often, focusing on how Ms Anders Christmas lights look nice this year, on how it’s almost winter break, focusing on how heavy my bag feels and how I should reorganise it, focusing on a lie to conjure up to serve to my parents when questions are asked.  
It’s nearing 10 when I approach my door, I focus on the fact that it’s new and the paint looks nice, focusing on how the stained glass looks nice with no cracks and minimal smudges. I begin to tap my fingers together for movement whilst I relay my story in my head and prepare myself for what’s to come.  
I take a deep breath and muster the best smile I can before I open the door and walk in. I waste no time taking off my shoes as my mother stands ten or so feet away   
“Where were you?!” , I suppress a wince   
“After school with some friends, it ran later than I thought and we went into town afterwards”, my mothers anger doesn’t last long and soon melts into somewhat annoyed concern  
“Just… just text me next time okay sweetie?”  
“Ok mum” I agree and instantly head up to my room, it’s warm and comfy but it doesn’t feel right, something is slightly wrong with the world and I really don’t want to turn around and face it.   
When I do turn into my room and lock the door behind me I turn to see something that makes me want to scream and cry and laugh st the same time, yet I stay frozen still in silent shock  
“Hi.. Haisley”  
My fingers instantly find their way to my wrist and start tapping


End file.
